Wednesday, July 10, 2013

It's all about perspective...

I am a terrible blogger and you should all probably hate me and throw rocks at me for my failure to, you know, post with regularity.  Yet somehow my page views are up?  Mysteries never cease.  I'm still crazy busy with work and all the driving and the exhaustion and whatnot.  Sorry this blog has fallen by the way side.  

So I am working as a bank teller for the summer which is a surprisingly stressful job.  You think it's just counting money and smiling at customers but it's way more than that.  There are all kinds of rules of things I can and cannot do, most of which I cannot discuss.  Mistakes can be costly.  It is very stressful at times, especially for me, the raging perfectionist.  

Let me be clear.  I do not consider myself to be perfect, by any means at all.  There has only been one perfect person, and he died on a cross for me.  I have screwed up in a thousand and one ways, like most people.  I am no better or worse than anybody else.  The issue, I think, is how I react to my mistakes.  

The perfectionist in me does not like to let myself move on from mistakes.  Rather than saying "well that sucks" and moving on, I have the tendency to obsess over every minute error I have made.  I have trouble shutting down the inner monologue often times, no matter how many times others reassure me (or I reassure myself) that it is okay.  

I suffer from depression and have been on and off medication/therapy for such since I was sixteen.  Just like the chicken and the egg, I'm not sure which came first:  the depression or the perfectionism/anxiety.  They are most certainly tied, right down to the chemical imbalance in my brain.  It comes down to a lovely chemical called serotonin.  A flood of that little chemical can cause feelings of anxiety and irritability.  The flood dissipates and suddenly depression sets in.  Back and forth, back and forth.  

I've been in an "off" phase with medicine lately which I like because I don't have to remember to take the pills or deal with the side effects.  Lately, however, I've been thinking that the fatigue (often pretty severe) would probably be worth it to lessen the extreme anxious feelings.  More than you probably wanted to know, I'm sure.  

Through all of this, I try my level best to find positivity.  I try to focus on the blessings God has given me in my life rather than my shortcomings.  I am not always successful--I'm not perfect, afterall--but I know that no matter how bad I think things are, God has blessed me and I have wonderful life.  

A wonderful, super busy life.  So sorry if the posts are a little scattered.  Ta-ta for now.

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