Monday, January 30, 2012

Time to breathe in and let everything out

There are some days when getting out of bed feels like it is going to be the biggest challenged I have ever faced. My bed seems to get more comfortable every day, like the springs are gradually conforming to my body shape and I am perfectly nested in my cocoon of blankets. It doesn't help, of course, that I know there are plenty of this facing me once I exit the warm confines of my sheets. Some challenges are small (what do I eat for lunch today?) and some are bigger (what am I going to do with my life?). Knowing they are coming certainly does NOT help me get out of bed.

But up I must get and get a move on because usually by the time I have gotten up, I am running late. And I HATE to be late. This, I think, it what got me in trouble today. I was grumpy because we were running late to church and I think those with me were grumpy with me for being grumpy. Granted, I was upset about a few other things that had happened earlier in the weekend and was acting rather waspish, as tends to happen when I am upset. That is when I am snapping just to avoid the whole crying thing that I have any annoying tendency toward. Its unfortunate because people tend to be upset with me. I suppose that's life though.

I am not sure if there is actually a moral to the story in this blog post, other than the fact that I am at my most bitchy when I feel like crying. And I am well aware of this unfortunate fact but there is little to be done about it, as I'll take that over bursting into tears. Lately I've just been tired and burned out even though we are only two weeks into the semester. I just want a week off and—be warned that I am about to sound like a five year old—I want my mommy. I guess not in the normal sense of a child wanting mommy. I want time with her.

Time has become the enemy. I am afraid of how much or how little I have left with my mom. Months? Years? Decades? Will she get to help me plan my wedding someday or hold my children. The painful truth is that the answer is probably no. Time is so precious and it is so hard to be away.

All of this to say, as usual, I ought to be sleeping right now.

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